It's Not My Future

   After my long hibernation because of my businesses, finally I can post a blog. Aaa, I miss writing! But tasks always forbade me to open 'New Post' when I opened my dashboard, except 5 days ago. And now you can enjoy my writing. I think this post isn't really important to be read. But, I really wanna share my feelings I really feel these 2 days. And today is the 2nd day. I don't know how long this feeling will stay, but I hope when I already share it to you, it evaporates like smoke.

   I don't know I'll share it on facebook or twitter or not. Decision is in the end of this post.

   As people who has known me so well know, I'm in the highest grade in Senior High School. My mind is busy thinking about college and college every single day. I've decided where I will continue my study, and it's already published on my dekstop. Yeah, I really love to stick my dreams, my spirit, and my destination on my laptop dekstop. It will be my spirit to make it all come true.

   And my story begin from Sat, 8 Oct 2011, or you can say it yesterday. I went to consulting room with one of my friend and asked an information about one college program that we heard. They said they didn't have any information. So, at that time, I also asked about SNMPTN Tulis, tips to position faculties I have chosen. They said something unpredictable for me. I never knew before that the system of Passing Grade was like what they told me. I was a bit shocked. They said, I better chose my priority from those three choices. I said I really want to go to those three. And they said, "So, you have to position it based on Passing Grade they have."

   I'm confused.

   I really want to go to IPB, but UNAIR is my dream too.

   But if I arrange them based on Passing Grade, well, I don't know which one is the biggest if the system of Passing Grade is like THAT!

   A consul said that better I looked last year Passing Grade to know which one is the biggest. But, usually, Passing Grade list that is published is just a prediction. So, what will I do then? Who will I believe in then?

   I can't just trust the invitation. I should think about the test. And my parents should allow me to follow a program that my friend and I found. But, for my parents it's too expensive. The fee is really international. But, you know, I have to have something for my handle.

   My head was giddy a lot.

   And I cried inside when someone told me SOMETHING that.... I think it was a short minded. I really hate people that always say LET IT FLOW, LET IT GO or something like that without struggles. DO THE BEST, but you never DO YOUR BEST! I can't accept people that surrender in the middle of the war, then only ask God for their champion. And also I can't accept people that have no dream. I know people deserve anything they want, but people that has a short dream cannot continue their life. It's inversely proportional to what I dream. My mind said, "It's not your future, then." I felt like I want to go far far away so I can't meet people like that anymore. But I thought once more. Am I have too high dreams? If I don't dream like that, I have no spirit to catch my dream. "Oh, well, my dream is only like this, there's no special target to fight for." Well, better I die if I had a mind like that!

   Someone had changed the decision. Suddenly, I was afraid of... ANYTHING! I was afraid of  the influence of cultures. I was afraid of meetings. I was afraid of realities I should face. When there's a hope, why it becomes so far again?

   What I needed was only a hug from my bestfriend. I couldn't hold my tears at home. My head was still giddy. I thought that I had a migraine. It was dangerous that I fell sick.

   The only topic in my mind was about that someone. What someone had said. What someone had changed. What someone had convinced me. What I had to accept, it's "IT'S NOT MY FUTURE"

   For people who read this maybe won't understand. But it's what I feel until I publish this post. I can't say it right here because... you know, my readers are worldwide.

   I need Memmey, I need her hug. I need to cry on her shoulder.

   Right now. I need a friend.

   I need someone to convince me: There's somebody else out there can help. Everything will be just okay. In the future, your dream is what you will get.

   I can't hold my tears once again.