Suddenly, I remember my promise a month ago. I promised to go to the Bank right after my June payment was transfered, and registered. But, look what I'm doing a month after. Sit down in front of my laptop, surrounded by papers, books, notes, etc.
I thought I would prepare well for the admission test, but now I'm preparing for my final exam. How tragic?
Well, I was so happy when I heard my juniors finally follow my path here in Bogor. Congratulations for them all. And I was also sad that my "sister" couldn't pass the SNMPTN. But, she wants to try once again through SBMPTN. I really wish that she could be here, so her parents have no worries.
I was also happy when I saw so many happiness tweets and statuses from my juniors that have been passed SNMPTN in their own choices. Alhamdulilah, I hope they are on their right path... and not regretting what they have got. Just like few of my friends that will try their luck on next SBMPTN. I hope they will get luck once again in their real choice. Aamiin.
I didn't know how this thought could suddenly appeared, that I was thinking... of trying once again in my real choice.
It doesn't mean that I'm here now isn't my choice. No.
But, lately something has disturbed my heart. That I can't really accept what I have got here. That there's a little regret and it has passed my heart and my mind almost in a year. That I feel a little bit envy with some of my high school friends. I just can deny that I'm not fully ready to "transformed" my thought that I'm not in science path, I am in social path. That I can't meet equations, just words and words and words and sometimes their logics are different that my brain feel so confused how to understand it. That now I will meet uncertainty, not certainty anymore. For me, it's tragic.
I had been dreaming that I could be here since I was in XI grade. When I knew my application was accepted, I was so glad and so grateful. Maybe, at that time I still a little understood with my choice. But, I wasn't right to be blamed. I thought that social-economy was mixed between science and social. Yeah, still there's science inside. That time, I didn't know that my choice was in Economic Faculty. I realized when one of my senior said that I'll got "Sarjana Ekonomi" right after my last name. I was a little bit sad after hearing that. So, that I avoided to choose Economic Faculty directly can be said FAILED. I though at least I got "Sarjana Pertanian" and it still so... me. At least it still smells like science than "Sarjana Ekonomi". But, I know title is not something that pictures yourself. You will make your own picture, not the title.
I thought I was alone. Until he came and told me the story that he actually wanted to choose ITB, but he was looking for safety of being rejected. Feel like we are on the same problem. Feel like we're on the same feeling. He told me his interest in physics and such kind of science. I feel the same way. For further story, you can read it on my recent post.
The blaming feeling is when I had a chat with my cousin and he told me that he will choose accountancy or management, that he will work in the bank, just like my dream. I got a little bit shocked and I remembered what my mom said on the phone couple days after my first day in the dorm. She said, "Sebenernya Ibu pengen kamu itu jadi dokter. Soalnya kali Ibu lihat, kamu itu punya kelebihan di keluarga kita. Coba lihat, di keluarga kita siapa yang jadi dokter? Nggak pernah ada, kan? Paling cuman mas Agung aja."
I couldn't say anything each time I remembered that convo. That my mom alread saw my capability and she hoped that I'll be a doctor. But my heart said I was born not to be a doctor who exams a patient. Until I realize something. I can be a doctor who face patients and diseases if I choose a right speciality, Forensik.
And this thought has influenced mind.
That I'll try again and choose science in ITB and medical faculty, I think I won't go this far again, UNAIR is good enough.
But... after a long thinking, about more than a month, I choose to stay here. Because I really really really and really want to graduate from this university. That I will try my best for being the highest manager in Bank of Indonesia.
For being a doctor... I hope Allah will listen to my mom's big dream that I couldn't fulfil by giving me a doctor as my faith. Aamiin ya rabb. Well, if you're thinking the reason behind my dream marrying a doctor because of my "old book", that's not fully correct. This is my main reason among the other "small" reasons. Because I really want to bring a doctor in my family. :) Ihptsu
And now the only thing I can do is just... breathing while reading my lessons that is "like this" and try to accept the changes. Because I'll never know what the future will bring. Just be thankful for what is around and happening.
Because something good can be a bad thing for us and the bad one can be a good one for us. Keep feel thankful :)
The blaming feeling is when I had a chat with my cousin and he told me that he will choose accountancy or management, that he will work in the bank, just like my dream. I got a little bit shocked and I remembered what my mom said on the phone couple days after my first day in the dorm. She said, "Sebenernya Ibu pengen kamu itu jadi dokter. Soalnya kali Ibu lihat, kamu itu punya kelebihan di keluarga kita. Coba lihat, di keluarga kita siapa yang jadi dokter? Nggak pernah ada, kan? Paling cuman mas Agung aja."
I couldn't say anything each time I remembered that convo. That my mom alread saw my capability and she hoped that I'll be a doctor. But my heart said I was born not to be a doctor who exams a patient. Until I realize something. I can be a doctor who face patients and diseases if I choose a right speciality, Forensik.
And this thought has influenced mind.
That I'll try again and choose science in ITB and medical faculty, I think I won't go this far again, UNAIR is good enough.
But... after a long thinking, about more than a month, I choose to stay here. Because I really really really and really want to graduate from this university. That I will try my best for being the highest manager in Bank of Indonesia.
For being a doctor... I hope Allah will listen to my mom's big dream that I couldn't fulfil by giving me a doctor as my faith. Aamiin ya rabb. Well, if you're thinking the reason behind my dream marrying a doctor because of my "old book", that's not fully correct. This is my main reason among the other "small" reasons. Because I really want to bring a doctor in my family. :) Ihptsu
And now the only thing I can do is just... breathing while reading my lessons that is "like this" and try to accept the changes. Because I'll never know what the future will bring. Just be thankful for what is around and happening.
Because something good can be a bad thing for us and the bad one can be a good one for us. Keep feel thankful :)
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