I'm So Bored! Please Listen To My Heart!

   I'm lack of attention. That's what I feel. I know I'm so busy these days and being so anti-social. But, between my business, I need someone to pay attention to me. Whoever they are! I've been so tired, my brain, my energy is decreasing. And this morning, I didn't have breakfast because there was sudden guests at the dining room, enjoying their breakfast. And what I could do was just stay at my room or help my mother taking care of the guests. I don't really like to have a meal while there's guest at the dining room, except people I know. It's such a awkward moment when you enjoy your meal and your unknown-guest is in front of you, talking with your mom or your dad. For some people, maybe it's just fine. For me, I'm totally not enjoying this moment. Usually, I enjoy my meal when they already leave my house.
   And due to this, my head is like a spinning coaster. I've got a terrible headache since this morning.

   Sometimes, feels like I couldn't stand it. It's really like something hitting my head. And today, I had 3 try outs to be done, chemistry and biology at school and biology at course. Well, it was a bit difficult to solve those questions, moreover, my brain had an important role to fix them all.
   Beside, the result of my regional try outs has been announced. And I was so shocked to see my scores. At first, I didn't really take it seriously because many teachers said that the answer key is non-logical. But, when I knew one of my friend got a perfect score, it made me down. How can non-logical keys make them get perfect scores, or even almost perfect scores? What's wrong with my answer then? Feels like I've answered those all correctly, or maybe I was so careless. But, whatever it is, it makes me down. And I found myself crying on the way home, regretting everything I've done. How fool I am. But, I know, it's not the end of the problem. I only have a week to fix them all. I think it's too late, but better than do nothing. A week is a very short time, very short! But, I think I've do my best. I can't say that I'm too enjoying my days, no I can't say that. Because after I had finished the schools exams, I often slept after 12 am. I've regretted my school exams' result, and now, and once again, I have to regret my last try outs' result. I guess I'm not ready for the national exams, but what should I do then? Do I have to be back to the past time? Then, I'll be the real loser.
   I am not a person who has a very intelligent brain, who is able to remember all kind of materials, who is very genius, no I am not although I dream it so much. What should I be proud of? Only belief that I CAN DO IT the only thing I can do to cheer up myself. I have to be optimistic. But, if you've been so optimist and then you know that you're not moving on, that you're falling, so what should you do? What do you feel? I feel so down. Down so deep.
   Actually, after having try outs on my course, I planned to asked for additional time to study with one of teachers there. But, because of my head kept spinning and I didn't want to push myself, so I thwart my plan. I went home and until now my head keep spinning. I thought I have a low blood pressure because of I didn't have breakfast this morning, or even a high blood pressure, I don't know. It doesn't matter to me, better than I have a "special" blood disease, the very dangerous one. My family has a record of this disease and seeing my bad habit of letting my body doesn't get any food, even rice, I'm so afraid that this disease will going onto me. I'm not ready for being hospitalized. The national exams is on days and I can't let my body suffer ANY kind of disease, no I can't.
   But, what I really need right now is... someone. Someone to listen into my heart, not only what is out of my mouth. I'm kind of girl who can't easily express my feeling correctly. I need so much time to express it. And mostly, it's through words, like this. That's why I NEED to blog, because it's the only way to express my feeling. Through words. Through my blog. Through my tumblr.
   I know that everyone is working out so hard for the-next-two-week-event. You know what guys, it impacts my feeling so much. When I see my surrounding is studying so hard, then without realizing it, I follow their way. Hmm, I'm such a provoked person. And, their way isn't really suit to me. But, I know, by following them, I'll become "better", but it seems like I'm not following myself. I'm being not myself. And sometimes, I'm feeling so alone. Yeah, I'm feeling so alone that no one can make my mood up, that nothing can be so interesting, that feels like no one I know, that I'm the most stupid person between those high grade people. Sometimes, I feel so wrong to be at my school. And mostly, I feel I'm the lucky one who can be one of those high grade people, although I know I'm not one of "them". I'm bullying myself.
   Well, last words, I'm bored. Of working so hard. Of being so alone. Of feeling like I'm a stranger. I'm bored, totally bored. I just need someone's attention. Only for this moment. To help me cheering myself. I need it. So much.