Bully - Ignorance? Is that the same?

   I never experience being bullied. In my small town, Jember, bully is not a big thing just like in a big city. But here, just like you'll find out in big cities, you'll find so many groups or gaps or gangsters in a school. Sometimes they don't realize that they're grouping from other children. They just wanna close with some people they think have the same interests. It's normal.

   Sometimes they bully other children, but sometimes they can join nicely with other children. In my schools, they mingle with the others, but still they often gather in one group.

   I am kind of girl who loves being in a crowded. Talking, laughing, gossiping with my friends. I love doing some activities with them. But, I'm not one of member of any groups. So, mostly I come to one place and talking with them, come to another place and laughing with others. I belong to nothing. Feels like I always look for friends, not friends look for me. I should join with friends.

   The saddest thing, sometimes when I try to be closer with them, feels like I'm ignored. Yeah, I'm around, but feels like I can't follow their interests. This experience began when I was in elementary school. Maybe, we were still young, but you know, ignorance makes every young girl, who is already around and thinking that she is already part of the group, feels so sick. Maybe, the girl who ignored me at that time doesn't remember that incident. But, I still remember. Until now, I don't grudge her. That incident makes me wanna get closer and closer with those people, though I always get ignorance.

   I always think, what they think about me? Not so important? Or so not important?

   I'm always alone at home. That's why I love gathering with my friends. And what I'm afraid of is losing my friends. When some of my friends talk about a secret, and I try to join but I get ignorance, feels like I'm not trusted. Feels like, I'm not that important to know what it is. Feels like, they don't want me to appear in their life #toomuch. Lol. And feels like I'm losing my friends. No one wanna be my friends. That's so sad.

   I'm not that good in communication, indeed. Maybe they don't connect with what I'm talking. Maybe they don't feel it's very important. But, I DO try to speak and get along and act nicely to them, but they may think that it's all not so important.

   Until now.

   When I know my friends will have something to do and I know I'm not invited, well, it's like... yeah. Being ignored.

   When I know some people response someone else's talk, but they don't response mine, well, it's more than like being ignored. Feels like I'm nothing for them.

   Well, you can say that I need attention. Yes, I do. Please think about it. If you don't get someone's attention, what will you feel? If you feel happy, oh it means you're not so human, as a social creature.

   I just need to get along with my friends. All of my friends. I need them so much. They're my motivation. When they ignore me, I feel so sad. I don't know which is wrong with me. I don't know what she/he doesn't like for me. Am I too not so important? Are my words too not so important? Or, am I too not fit to be their friend? Those questions keep singing on my mind.

   I'm not bullied. But I feel ignored. Is that the same?