And, may I say, the last "problem" with him that started 2 weeks ago is the loonggeessst problem that we ever head. I was silent, so was he. I was disappointed, and so was he. I was angry, sadly, he was too. But we felt the same feeling because of different reasons. Maybe he did that because of my attitude that suddenly ignoring everything, including him. Also, my different reaction between when I met him and when we were texting, and I don't know what else. And I did that because his fault. We were on misunderstanding, also on miscommunication. I know and I'm so sorry that finally I can't do my promise, that I will tell him every problem about us, about everything. I know I'm such a hypocrite. But I have reasons and I've told him. I was so tired of being the first who tell what the problem is. Sometimes, I wanted him to ask me, and I was waiting for that moment. Because I didn't want to just tell everything on messages, I needed to tell it directly, somehow. And I also wanted to see how care he is with me because I've felt something wrong, something that is not totally him. I was afraid that there's a change in him, in his feelings. And I was afraid to lose, to feel falling again. I was not ready for that. So, I waited for a week. And finally, he texted me. Beg for apology. And I still couldn't say anything, say the reason. Until now, I haven't told why I did it to him. Why I was so disappointed to him. I guess, if he know why, he will laugh. But I think it's not that simple for being "fine".
When I remember the time when I was falling for my first love, well, it was really hard months. Being separated for months, more than 30 months, and never met. Yes, I was so falling in love. I couldn't open my heart for anyone else, only for him. It felt so true that I loved him. I used to believe in miracle, that he would feel the same as what I felt. But, Allah said different. Although my feeling was so true, though I have no reason why I loved him, but the fact, Allah wanted me to move to another place that is far better for me.
So, he opened up my heart for someone else. Someone that I never imagined. Our relationship, just friend, was only stood for less than a half year, and so was my feeling. Everything ended with my anger to him, and it stayed long for more than a year. I was so disappointed. And, when he ruined my feeling, I "ran" to my first love. But, before I fall too far, Allah once again saved me by showing me a boy who had a special feeling to me (and, God, I didn't realize that he tried to be closer with me for a long time!). And, now he is known as my boyfriend.
On that time, I suddenly realized. Allah brought me someone to open up my heart, so my heart could see that there was somebody else that is far better for me. And yes, I feel much better with my boyfriend now. He has changed me into a better person ever, and that's why I love him. Because he has made me much closer to Allah and made me feel more grateful. I love him sincerely because of Allah.
You guys know what? If I don't love him because of Allah, I must have ended this relationship long time ago. Why? Because sometimes I can't feel satisfy with what he has done to me. Sometimes, I feel envy with couples that can be together for period of time. And we are seldom being like that. We are often doing everything by ourselves. Or, I sometime feel envy with a couple that always gives attention to each other, and easily expressing their feeling on facebook or twitter. May I say, we are seldom doing that thing, although only in messages.
But, after our last problem, I've decided to keep silent. I will let him do everything he wants while I do everything I want. I will let our relationship walk or run as it should be. I don't want to wish for anything else. I will let it grow as it should be. That's also because we are in the senior year, when we have to think about examinations and colleges.
I want to be back when we were in the middle year, when he was so busy with his activities and I was busy with mine, then we had no time to meet each other. Honestly, I wish I could feel like that once again. When I missed him. When we were talking during our leisure time and up to do one another. I think that's better.
Yeah, it will contradict with my feeling and also the condition, while we should meet more often before we are in a long distance relationship, I hope.
Then, about the last one, long distance relationship. I don't know what Allah shows us next. I don't know how long we can stay like this, we never know it. I never want to say that he's the last and he's the best for me. Never regard him as my future. Never. Just let it flow. I love him and let it just the way it should be.
And I remember how my feeling was to my first love. And it was almost like this. The difference is only: he wasn't mine. The one I remember is I always prayed for him. Wished him all the best.
Now, I just wish all the best for my boyfriend. I don't care how much he cares of me, I don't care. I don't even care he texts me or not, or replies my message or not. I don't care, no, I won't. It's all up to him. And what he has told me, what he has promised to me, all I'll take. I'll take his words. I'll take his promises.
But, thanks God, You have brought him into my life. Thanks God, You have opened up my heart for him. Thanks God, I love him. And please, please, give all the best for him. I just want to see him happy, and smiling, and laughing. I just want to see him be as what he is. I just want to see him get what he has dreamed. Ya Allah, please eases his struggle. He has lead me to Your way and please lead him to Your way too. Protect him whenever and wherever he is. Please, make him happy if I can't make him happy. It's my sincere wishes, ya Allah. I just want to see people I love happy, that's all.
And, please, one of my wishes, please listen to it. Let him be a great doctor. That's one of my birthday wishes this year. Be with him, ya Allah, be with him.
Once again, I can't stop to be thankful to You that You have brought him into my life. Thank you for opening up my heart for him, thank you. :)
By the way, it's 29 February 2012. Great date. And tomorrow is the beginning of March. May I say Happy Birthday to myself. :)
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